Where Are The Good Vibes?


I won't even lie to you, I'm feeling a little bit fed up. I'm not as patient as I was pre transplant but to be honest that's not surprising. New lungs are a second chance at life but I know I'm living on borrowed time still...it's not a negative thing, because I think it's given me a bit more of a get up and go attitude, I complain but really give less fooks about the state of my hair and face and it's made me braver. However I feel like every day I need to be doing something and making the most of it and when I can't it feels like a waste and I feel a bit anxious. Some people say 'Oh but what's a week of your life?' Quite a lot longer for me than it is for you actually, kinda like how one year for a human is seven years for a dog hahaha. 



Top Brandy Melville (love this too, as seen on Holly!)  
Jeans Levi's 
Shoes Office 

If past me saw me complaining about being in hospital for a week where I'm not even constricted by IVs, never mind oxygen tubes and crappy lungs, she would drag that darn Optiflow machine into the future and smack me in the face with it. I am pretty much free to do what I want and go where I want, which is ironically what my complaint is now. I've had two tests since I've been here and the others haven't been getting done and when I ask why no one seems to know which is weird so I've just been here twiddling my thumbs really (and doing a bit of shopping on Depop, oopsie.)

I'm embarrassed to be feeling like this but you know I like to be honest so that's what I will be. I think we're all entitled to have a moan now and then, I don't think it matters what your circumstances are - I feel awky when people say 'But it's nothing compared to what you go through' because being ill sucks, period and people are 'allowed' to feel moany because it's never pleasant. But as well this is the first time I've been ill post transplant and had to come into hospital for it so it's probably only natural to be a little worried, although it's less the feeling ill that's getting to me but more the lack of action. It was the waiting a couple of weeks for a bed so I could be admitted that bothered me because I know I always say 'my lungs' but I don't truly feel like they're all mine. They are a precious gift from someone I don't know and who didn't know me, they're special so I want to take extra special care of them not just for me but for them too. I don't know, it's a little bit hard to explain but it's almost like it's not just me I have to take care of in a way. I do know how lucky I've been to stay so well for the first year, I know this is nothing serious at all and I definitely know how lucky I am to even be here right now, so I'm sorry if you're reading this and are thinking 'Shut up.' This isn't for sympathy, I hate those 'woe is me' type people and you know that's not my style but I think having a constant temperature, the daily 8am wake up calls from the drilling upstairs and lack of Freddydog cuddles are getting to me! Also, as wanky as this sounds, August is always a bit of a funny month for me and I usually feel quite down. I think it stems back to me being a really geeky child when I'd start to miss school during the six weeks hols (yes, really...)

I promise by the time you read this I'll back feeling the good vibes (it's gone midnight as I type this and I'm hungry!) But like I say, everyone needs to complain sometimes and if I wasn't having a moan am I even British tho?



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