A Calm Start to 2019

Hello, hello. How you doing? I know we're approaching the end of January but I thought I'd do a little post with my mood for the year anyway. Nothing wrong with being fashionably late anyway ;) Firstly, they're my favourite to read, I love the nostalgia of them and the sense of optimism. Secondly, it's late because I spent much of the festive period in pyjamas and unwell. It was nothing serious at all, just one of those loooong, dragged out bugs that don't seem to shift. 

On that note I'd like to make a disclaimer. I'm not big on resolutions, I absolutely believe in setting intentions and I think it's a positive thing to have something to work towards or to look forward to. I just don't believe they're something that has to be done from the first of January. Sure, it feels very neat to start afresh on the first day of the first month of a brand new year but life is rarely so straightforward. It's something that's been proven to me time and time again living with chronic illness but really I think it's something that happens to us all.In my case it wasn't until this week that I started to feel up to doing things and motivated. Health, be it physical or mental, really doesn't give a shit what day or time of year it is - it doesn't follow convention, it does it's own thing. When it gets bad on the regular you have to follow your own schedule too, I think it's healthier to work with it than try to fight against it. Because are you fighting for what's best for you or to fit into a society that's always telling you what to do? It takes a strong person to let go of the guilt that comes from not following convention but it's worth it for your peace of mind.

I know I sometimes tire myself out trying to keep up with the rest of the world - I naively thought I'd have transplant and be like everyone else. But of course health issues still pop up, my priorities were different to my peers (while they were getting degrees I was getting new lungs) and as a result by society's standards I might be a little behind when it comes to ticking off life's achievements, although I'm not because that list is totally fictional. Also despite having transplant I might not even accomplish such things anyway - kids, a top career, marriage, money aren't a guarantee for anyone nor are they what everyone wants out of life. I can't change my health situation, I can't go back to the past and do things differently but I can redefine what success is to me through both short and long-term aims, which I find mega exciting! Especially as they aren't set in stone, I have the freedom to shift them around which is a privilege many don't have and one that was denied to me for so many years so I'm definitely going to make the most of it. I will still have the occasional wobble (my annual, snotty NYE Big Cry will attest to that) but on the whole instead of feeling like I have less opportunities I feel like I have endless opportunities thanks to that shift in perspective. As a result the start of 2019 has been very chill for me and mainly anxiety free, I feel like I'm living my life just how I want to without worrying about things and people and expectations that I really shouldn't be bothered about. I know that emotions are never linear but for now I'm enjoying feeling calm and taking it day by day.

With that said, here are some fun, totally selfish things that I'd like to do in the rest of January. I prefer a list of monthly intentions because that means there's more to look forward to!

  • Finish my uni work for Semester 2. I've missed a lot of lectures due to being ill which is a shame as I've loved this semester (I got to study Schiaparelli which was a dream project!) but I'd like to finish the late work I have left to do and wrap it up basically.
  • Go to the Barbican. Don't @ me, even though I've never been despite being a life-long Londoner.
  • Go to the beach. I've not walked along the Brighton seafront yet this year, it's bloody freezing but I think I might go tomorrow after my exam to shake off any stress about it. 
  • Cook at least once a week. I've kept to that this month, I'm pretty bad just eating out or ordering in but I like cooking and trying something new, even if it is only something simple (I'm no Nigella!)

I hope you've had a good start to the year! Have you done anything fun so far?

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