Letting Go Of Guilt



Within the emotional rollercoaster that is transplant, I've been left with an overriding sense of guilt. As incredible and life changing/saving it is, transplant is also one big mindfook and while I was, am, so grateful and happy part of me was also feeling quite traumatised by the whole ideal which left me feeling guilty. But now it's time to let that go.




Certain types of guilt I'll never let go of - guilt over 'surviving' especially, which I think is natural even though it's not exactly logical. But after about a month of being home my mood started to dip, which I expected but was still quite unprepared for. I just wasn't happy, I found it hard to eat or sleep, I lost interest in most of the things I love to do - in short, I wasn't myself. I was just consumed with thoughts of what had happened, trying to piece together the days where I can't remember anything at all. This made me feel bad because I felt like I owed it to the people who love me, the people who didn't/won't get their calls in time, the doctors and nurses who helped me and of course my donor and their family to be the happiest I could be. But transplant is a huge thing for anyone and mine wasn't exactly 'straightforward' (read about it here) so it's almost inevitable I'd be left feeling like 'woah' afterwards. Some of it was so horrible my brain has completely blocked out days of my life! I was quite literally at death's door with not long to live and while we'll all be there one day to be face to face with it and survive is a big bloody deal. 

The thing is though I don't really like to make a big bloody deal out of things. I don't like the attention and the 'woe is me', I like to laugh at life no matter what and just generally have a good time. I'm quite good at compartmentalizing feelings and shutting the bad ones away in a little box. But as hard as I tried they just wouldn't stay locked away which is why I got as down as I did but I was afraid to tell anyone because I didn't want to sound ungrateful for all the good that has happened to me. In fact I still haven't told anyone, apart from you. I was feeling guilty for being caught up in the past when I have quite literally been given the gift of the present, I most certainly wouldn't be here now were it not for my donor. That in itself is an overwhelming thing to think about. But as I said, transplant is an extraordinary thing in so many ways so to have such a wide range of emotions in perfectly normal. Nothing in life is black and white so I can be feeling scared and upset at the same time as being overwhelmingly grateful, happy and excited for the future. 

I'm feeling much happier now but basically my point is I'm not feeling sorry about my emotions any more and no one ever should. I think you can't help how you feel and trying to block 'negative' feelings out does you no good. So it's time to let go of the guilt and go with the flow because it's all just part of life. I know this is all a bit of a ramble but it was all written in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep (thank you prednisolone!)




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